Hot As Here
by 12HockeyChick21
Summary: Lucifer has a talk show down in Hell. Join him and co-host Adam as they interview many different guests!
1. Chapter 1

"Hello and welcome to Hot as Here: A Hellish Talk Show! I'm your host, Lucifer and this is my co-host, Adam!" Announced the older looking blond man.

"This is ridiculous..." muttered the sandy brown haired younger man.

"Oh come on now, Adam! Show us some enthusiasm! Now, for our first guest, he's a big brother, he's pissed, he's stuck up. IT'S MICHAEL!"

The cameras cut to a shot of a dark haired man next to Adam, glaring at Lucifer.

"Michael. First of all, how are you? It's been a while." Lucifer said.

"A while? I was only gone for ten minutes to search for a new vessel. That's the only time apart we've had since we fell down here!" Michael rolled his eyes.

"Okay! Michael. What's it like to finally be out of Adam?"

"Well, honestly, quite liberating. He was fighting against me the entire time I was in him."

Adam turned red, but whether it is out of embarrassment or anger is unknown.

"Anything to say to that, Adam?" Lucifer questioned his co-host.

"Actually, yeah. You're an angel, right Michael? One of God's beloved soldiers?"

"Yes..." Michael sounded unsure of where this was going.

"So your father tells you honesty is always key?"

"Yes."

"So why did you lie and trick me into being your vessel?"

"Uh..." Michael froze up. Then he looked at Lucifer with eyes that said: "Do I ready have to respond to that?"

Lucifer just shrugged.

"Well..." Michael thought for a second. "As it is in Heaven, so it shall be on Earth."

"Okay, I get that. But Lucifer. Didn't you have to get Sam to say yes to you? Not even just Sam. Aren't ALL angels supposed to get their vessels to say yes?"

"Yes we are." Lucifer nodded.

"So you broke your rules."

"What? No I didn't!" Michael scrambled defensively.

"Yes. You did! I didn't want to get possessed!" Adam hissed.

"You agreed. You said yes!" Michael argued.

"Yes, when I thought it would save my mother! You and Zachariah lied to me! I believed you at first, but when Sam and Dean came to save me, I realized all they had tried telling me about you was true. You used me! As I got trapped in that room and I was banging on the door, begging for Dean to save me... I thought you'd leave me alone."

Michael stared helplessly as the live studio audience of demons boo him.

"But... But..."

"Settle down, settle!" Lucifer boomed. The demons' heckling slowly died down.

"Michael, any rebuttal?"

Michael looked down in dismay, speechless.

"No." he murmured.

"What was that?"

"NO." he snapped at Lucifer.

"Alright. So-"

"Lucifer." Came a voice from behind the camera.

"Oh. Time for a commercial break. We'll be right back with our next guest."

* * *

><p>The next shot is a bright looking redheaded teenaged girl.<p>

"Hey teens. Having trouble with acne? My vessel was! So I bought Alastair's Acne White Out!"

She holds up a bottle. The camera cuts to a shot of her washing her face.

"No more being tortured by pubescent skin problems! Now you can continue on with your own torture!"

A voice starts playing in the back while she continues washing her face.

"Some stinging may occur, due to slight amount of salt. Rash or itching may occur as well. If rash persists, consult your doctor. And if acne gets worse, halt usage."

"Alastair's Acne White Out! Making my vessel's skin healthier than ever!" The redhead said.

* * *

><p>"Hey and welcome back to Hot As Here!" Lucifer greeted. "Our next guest is a father, he ignored his kids, he was kinda a dick! It's GOD!"<p>

There was a collective gasp from the audience.

"Just kidding. It's John Winchester!"

The camera cuts to John, who has Michael's place next to Adam.

"Hey Dad." Adam greeted.

"Hello Adam."

"Sorry about him... He actually takes this seriously." Adam muttered.

"This is serious!" Lucifer stopped John from responding to his son. "Anyways! JOHN! Welcome back to Hell. It's been quite a while. Where have you been residing since your soul escaped?"

"I don't feel the need to share that information." John stated.

"Alright, I can respect that. How is the wife? You seen her recently?"

"Yes sir, we see each other a lot."

"Does that mean you reside in Heaven?"

John gave a devilish, all-knowing smile.

"I'm not falling for that."

"Darn!" Lucifer snapped his fingers.

"So, Dad. I never got to ask you... Why did you never tell me about monsters?"

"I wanted to protect you Adam. I tried to treat you like everything was normal whenever I saw you. I wanted you to stay out of danger... have a chance at a normal life. But sadly... for Sam, Dean, and I... it was too late. I had to protect them in a different way than you. I had to teach them to protect themselves." John's eyes got misty.

"What happened that caused that?" Adam asked.

"Sam and Dean's mother... she was killed by a demon."

"But what if monsters had found me? Actually, they did. They found me and my mother. Why hadn't you tried to teach me to protect myself?"

"Adam, I'm so sorry for all the things that have happened to you. I hadn't thought any of it would..." John sighed.

"It's not really your fault, Dad. You tried your best..."

"I wish others would see that..."

The audience "Awww'd" at this interaction.

"Have you... seen my mother?" Adam asked.

"Yes... she and Mary are actually quite good friends." John rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Lucky you!" Lucifer said, receiving laughs from the audience.

"And Mary said you were a very beautiful boy."

"She knows what I look like?"

"Well, we spirits are allowed to carry around one picture of the people most important to us that are still alive. Your mother's is a picture of you."

"Yours is probably a picture of Sam and Dean, right?" Adam said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

"Actually, no. It's a picture of the two of us." John smiled, pulling out a picture of himself and 12-year-old Adam. This gained yet another "Awww".

"But... why?"

"Mary already had a picture of Dean, Sam and I. So I just look at that one as well."

"Is Mary nice?" Adam asked.

"Oh yes, she is on your side as well. She's not too happy with the boys for forgetting you." John chuckled.

"Really?" Adam cracked a smile.

"Yes. Mary is all about family."

"So, John. What was it like to finally see the demon that killed your wife killed himself?" Lucifer asked.

"Wonderful."

The camera cuts to the audience where Azazel is standing up, flipping John off. Then we pan back to John, Adam, and Lucifer.

"Right back at you douche canoe!" John returned the gesture.

"He's always been my least favorite." Lucifer whispers to John and the camera. Then there is a beep.

"Uph! Looks like we're all out of time. Thanks for watching! Join us again next time on Hot As Here! JOHN WINCHESTER EVERYBODY!"

John stands and bows while credits roll and music begins.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Thanks for reading! Want a certain guest on the next one? Leave your suggestions!<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

"Hello and welcome back to Hot as Here! I'm your host, Lucifer and this is my co-host: Adam!" The blonde announced.

"Do I really have to be here?" Adam sighed.

"Yes of course you do! For our first guest, he's an older brother, he's died more times than we can count, he loves pie! It's DEAN WINCHESTER!"

The next shot is the familiar face of the infamous Dean.

"What the Hell?" He looks around, confused.

"So Dean... what's it like to be back in Hell?" Lucifer asked.

"Screw you, asshat. Let me go." Dean growled.

"Oh come on Dean! You're on TV! Just give me seven to ten minutes of your time, please!" Lucifer chided.

"And why would I wanna do that?"

Lucifer whistled and waved someone over. A short man comes out on stage and whispers into Dean's ear. Dean's facial expression changes and he stops arguing.

"Now... Dean. Ignore my previous question. Cherry or Apple?" Lucifer waved the man back offstage.

"Pie? Pie is pie." Dean shrugged. Lucifer nodded.

"So... what was it like to be a demon?" he asked.

"Terrible. But I guess you wouldn't really know, would ya, Broken Wings?" Adam looked at Lucifer to see his reaction, but the fallen angel looked emotionless.

"Yes... I guess I wouldn't. Anything to ask, Adam?"

Adam looked back at Dean nervously.

"Um..."

"Adam? Geez... you're still here?" Dean looked almost guilty. Adam narrowed his eyes.

"Yes I'm still here. Yes I have a question. What's it like to completely forget your brother in Hell?! Oh right, I'm not your full blood brother. I'm just a measly half brother. Sam this, Sam that. Sammy, Sammy, Sammy. No one remembers Adam, no one cares about Adam! And YOU are just gonna get to go right back up to the real world after this interview, yet you were throwing a fit about being back here. Well you know what?! I'M DONE! You can take all the things you care about, your actual brother, your angel that we ALL know you're in love with, your car, and your god damned pie, because OH let's care more about pie than family! YOU CAN TAKE ALL THOSE THINGS AND SHOVE 'EM! *BEEP* THIS *BEEP*" Adam throws his hands up and walks off stage steaming.

There is silence for a few seconds as Lucifer and Dean try to piece together what just happened.

"Okayyyyyy... we'll let him calm down a little..."

"Was it something I said..?" Dean asked.

"We'll be back after these messages..."

* * *

><p>The next shot is of a healthy, muscular, shirtless man.<p>

"Think your vessel could lose a few pounds? Need to buff up? Well then use my weight loss/training program!"

We see him lifting weights as a voiceover starts.

"In just one month you will start to see changes in your vessel's muscular abilities."

We see him looking at the camera again.

"Want to look good and be strong? Call 1-666-LBS-GONE. That's 1-666-LBS-GONE!"

* * *

><p>"Hello and welcome back to Hot as Here!" We see that Adam has returned, but still looks angry. "Our next guest... he's a little brother who's actually the middle child, every girl he's ever loved has died, he loves salad and demon blood! IT'S SAM WINCHESTER!"<p>

Cut to Sam sitting in a chair looking awkward.

"Thanks...?"

"So Sam... where should I begin... Miss ya!" Lucifer laughs. Sam shifts around uncomfortably.

"Adam...? I'm so sorry-" Sam begins, but Adam holds up a hand.

"I don't wanna hear it, I don't wanna talk about it."

Sam looks down in dismay.

"Sam. What's it like to not have drank demon blood in so long? Get any cravings? Demon blood smoothie, demon blood soft drink, straight up demon blood?" Lucifer asks. Before Sam can respond we hear a crash backstage followed by a "SONOFABITCH!" Sam perks up.

"Was that Dean? DEAN?!"

"He's fine, Sam. Just touching things he shouldn't be touching..." Lucifer pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. But Adam starts up again.

"See? This is what I'm talking about! This unhealthy obsession with each other. Sam this, Dean that. UGH!"

Sam frowns and Lucifer puts a hand on Adam's shoulder.

"You aren't the first one to say this. Sam, do you ever think you'll find a woman who won't die after you have... done the deed?"

Sam turns bright red.

"Excuse me?"

"Well it's just that, all your ladies have kicked the bucket... Maybe the universe is trying to tell you something..."

"Are you calling me gay?" Sam rose an eyebrow, but didn't get as defensive as Dean would have gotten.

"No, no, I'm just... speculating."

Sam shakes his head and looks over at Adam.

"We'll find a way to get you out of here, I swear."

"Sure you will..." Adam spat.

"Adam really, I'm sorry we forgot you..."

There's a beep and Lucifer jumps in.

"Oh, we're out of time. Thanks for watching folks. Join us again next time on Hot as Here!"

Credits roll and music plays. Adam sulks off.


	3. Chapter 3

"Heeellllooooo and welcome back to Hot as Here! I'm your host, Lucifer and this is my co-host: Adam! Say hi Adam!" Lucifer smiled.

"Hey..." Adam sighed, knowing he had no other choice and would have to give into this torture sooner or later.

"Alright! So our first guest today... he's a brother, he's had tons of personality changes, he's messed up a lot, the ladies-" Lucifer does a little side whisper to the camera: "And apparently some men too." he winks and turns back to his original spot. "Love him! It's Castiel!"

Cut to a shot of a very confused looking Cas.

"What am I doing here? Lucifer... Adam?"

"Haha! So Cassy boy... what's it like, knowing that you've disappointed your family so much?" Lucifer asked.

"Angelic family or Dean and Sam? Because if you're asking for angelic, you should know how that feels." Cas says, probably sounding ruder than he meant to. But Lucifer doesn't seem phased, having a bright smile on his face the entire time.

"Dean and Sam, huh? Not 'Sam and Dean'? Ooh, the fans aren't gonna like that..." Lucifer turns and makes an 'Oh no' face to the camera.

"My apologies. Did you mean angelic family or Sam and Dean?"

"Both."

"Well, you know disappointing the angels and Father hurts. Honestly, I'm starting to not care. Perhaps you feel the same in that regard. But disappointing Dean an- Sam and Dean... that hurts much more." Cas frowns.

"Why is that, Castiel?"

"Because they are only humans... and they put their faith in me, a higher being, and I let them down..."

"Over and over and over..." Lucifer says. Cas gives him the squinted eyes expression, angry.

"Uh, anyways..." Adam speaks up. "Cas... um. Nice to see you again. But you do realize that Sam and Dean aren't completely human? I mean, I heard that Dean was a demon!"

"Yes." Cas states simply. "But when they are lost, it is my job to help them find their way."

"Cas." Lucifer butts in. "Are you in love with Dean?"

"In love? I care about him and Sam, yes."

"No, Castiel. IN LOVE. Are you _in_ love with Dean?" Lucifer pushes.

"Well... I..." Cas stammers a bit, then there's the beep.

"I rest my case. That's it! Commercial time! We'll be back after this!"

* * *

><p>We see a scene of an older couple having a picnic. Then the man speaks to the camera.<p>

"Did you pick an older vessel? Is your vessel crampy? Joints achy? Muscles stiff? Then Vesscule Relaxant is the medicine for you."

We see the couple get up and start playing Frisbee. Then the woman catches the Frisbee and turns to the camera.

"With Vesscula, I can be twice as active as before, which is wonderful for keeping my vessel healthy and fit." She throws the Frisbee back to the man and a voiceover starts to play.

"Vesscula is not meant for you if your vessel is diabetic or has any heart conditions. Possible side affects are swelling of feet or fingers, back pains, rash, or lightheadedness. Discontinue using if swelling or back pain gets to be immobilizing. Vesscula. A happy vessel means a happy you."

* * *

><p>"Hello and welcome back to Hot as Here! Hmm... maybe I need some of that Vesscula. My vessel's getting old!" Lucifer jokes. The studio audience of demons laugh. "Anyways! For our next guest, he's a brother, he's a hider, he loves sweets and messing with people, he loves to pretend he's dead! You guessed it, yes, it's GABRIEL!"<p>

Cut to the short brunette who waves.

"Heyo."

"Hello Gabriel! So... how are things?"

"Goin great Luci, just fabulous. How are things down here?"

"Hah, you're funny. So, I'm sure we're all dying to know... What's your favorite candy?"

Gabriel goes to speak, but Lucifer stops him.

"Nah, I'm just kidding. What we all would love to know... are you alive somewhere?"

"Well, we know that you're the bastard that killed me. No hard feeling, though. You're still my brother and a great big bag of dicks." Gabriel teased.

"But Gabriel... are you alive?"

He just wiggles his eyebrows. We here noise backstage and Cas comes out.

"Answer the question." he says.

"Castiel?" Lucifer seems genuinely surprised.

"Hi Castiel!" Gabriel greets him.

"Answer the question, Gabriel. I wish to know the truth. Have you been hiding away again all this time?" Cas asks.

"Well this was unexpected... Uh Secur-" Cas cuts Lucifer off.

"No. I want an answer. When he was in my head, he wouldn't tell me." Cas eyes Gabriel. "You're on TV now... you have to answer."

"No I don't bro." Gabe grins. Cas glares and stomps offstage.

"Alright then. Another awkward family reunion..." Lucifer mumbles.

"Shut up, Lucifer." Adam growls. He looks at Gabriel. "Fine, if you don't want to answer the question, answer this. If you're dead, how are you here?"

"Well it is Hell. And I am a trickster."

"No, you're an angel. You learned all those tricks from me." Lucifer pokes in.

"Yes, this is true." Gabriel nods.

"So Gabriel, how's the girl?" Lucifer asks.

"Oh, Kali? She and I didn't work out. I got my eye on someone else now."

"Interesting!" The beep comes again. "Oh, and it looks like we are yet again, out of time. Thanks for watching. Join us again next time on Hot as Hell!"

Credits roll.

* * *

><p><strong>A.N.: Thanks to the people who gave me the guest ideas for the past two chapters! Keep them coming! And let me know what you think! Thanks for reading! ~12HockeyChick21<strong>


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